Through the Eyes of a Psychologist
by The Armour Of Romulus
Summary: AU modern day Britain. Yumikuri. OOC?. Life gives us scars. Some physical upon our person, others on the illusive thing we call the Mind. Krista has more than her fair share of scars, some self inflicted on her skin, others plague her mind like an aggressive form of cancer. Ymir x Krista. Yuri. (Dark, Self harm, suicide, mental illness.)
1. Chapter 1 - A List Of Symptoms

OCD, anxiety, BPD, depression. The threat of suicide always loomed over the small blonde.

She'd been plagued with these issues all her life. Psychologists, therapists, and psychiatrists always called her back every time she left their practice but she never had the guts to return. Follow up with treatment, swallow the damned tablet. She couldn't bear not being perfect. The OCD in her talking, whispering their melodies of curses but to the mind they seem like lullabies. Songs you'd want to sing to your child, to make them at ease but the end result was the complete opposite.

Single words stringed into complex, compound, simple sentences formed in the brain, a tumour of verses becoming malignant and cancerous. Spreading from their origin through the blood stream, reaching the heart and being beaten into every cell of the body. That was the life of Krista as soon as she hit the age of 5.

Perception is what your brain makes of the world. Your cognition. The decisions are known to be unconscious. It's funny actually. The illusion of free will that is. Cognitive neuroscientists ran a study. It was only a simple thing but proves a point. What's your dominant hand? Did you choose that hand? Can you use the other in free will? The study involved someone pressing a button. They found that the decision to push the button with the left or right hand was made up to 10 seconds before the person even acknowledged their desire to press the button.

In fact, the majority of psychological approaches only look on the negative aspects of life. How things go wrong and how people function, the altered behaviour when things go tits up but never look on the positive. It was something that bothered Krista, her entire existence consisted of being told she was not normal in any way. From the things she ate to the things she said, all of them were deemed incorrect or something to be treated.

All her problems are more than likely rooted in her childhood. She still looks like a child, the same height but now she was a 25 year-old with a degree in philosophy and a job waiting for her to jump into. Back to childhood. She had an older sister once upon a time, well she still had a sister but she wasn't physically present. She committed suicide by the time Krista was 10. That's when she learnt the truth about the colour of her blood.

Her mother despised her for her birth. She was a bastard, nothing more than an unexpected pregnancy but the mother didn't have the guts to abort. Almost like her mother had a desire to have an outlet to project her issues onto. In fact, that's called displacement. According to Freudian psychology that's when the ego uses defence mechanism to calm the ID, the part of the personality that was based on the pleasure principle. It's supposed to be like a toddler, when it wants something, it will kick and scream till it got it. It was down to the ego to calm it , rationalise it, it was the reality principle. These defence mechanisms are how it deals with balancing the ID and the super ego, the morality principle.

Krista was awfully aware of her surroundings, the constant sense of endangerment, the fear of the unknown. With the abuse of her mother being met with the abuse of her father, the people who were supposed to protect her from the world were the people that made sure all the evil knew her weakest parts, where to exploit. Her sister saved her from that. The remedy from the psychological warfare. Krista and her sister shared the same father, Rod. But that didn't last long. Krista never knew the turmoil her sister was in. The people her father knew weren't nice people. She was about that age where men start talking an interest, her father let them without question, for a price of course.

Once her sister was gone there was no one. No shelter from the rain. There are lots of theories about maternal deprivation. Even more about a trigger event. The idea of having a biological origin, a vulnerability to mental health issues but the requirement of a stressor to 'activate them'. It could be said that this was a classic example. The stress from the environment, the constant beatings with fist and words. The lack of care. The lack of anything pleasant. She was a slave in her own home without the chains but she was still bound. She was bound until death.

She was away from the house, away from that situation. She allowed time to free her, but only physically. Trips to the doctors, hospital with another attempt on her life, the rope marks that were almost permanent around her neck. The cuts that were still fresh. The memories of her past still play with her neurons. PTSD was the new disorder of the week.

The train tracks that spanned in front of Krista were painful for her to look at. She could see each nail in the lines, each line of wood marking distance that Krista knew she would not advance.

What drove her to be there even she didn't know, she thought she had it all under wraps, the events that had occurred were in the past and everyone had moved on. Her home life wasn't getting any better but it wasn't getting any worse which was the key point, she was far enough away to only feel a small pin prick instead of the hack saw scraping into her spine. Nothing in her life had drastically changed for the negative within recent memory. So, when she heard the oncoming train her immediate reaction was to move out of the way.

She pulled out her phone to check her texts one last time. Nothing from Reiner. She checked Facebook. No recent posts from Reiner except a photo of him and his new girlfriend.

She had contemplated this several times, ways to go out. She didn't see the meaning in life anymore. Her own mortality meaningless and all her hopes and aspirations would be for nothing because at the end of it all she would become a pile of dirt just like everyone else. No impact on anything, anyone, she was always second best and she would be a faded memory in someone's newsfeed or in a memory book, the odd girl crying in the corner. They wouldn't even know her name, they'd notice her one time and think what the fuck is she doing there, they wouldn't even recognise her as 'once upon a time' in their life.

Krista was on medication but it isn't a quick fix situation. It only treats the symptoms. Restricted to the neurochemicals in the brain. Who would have known that just a tiny amount of one chemical, a combination of elements in the brain could cause such mayhem? Some of the symptoms of schizophrenia are said to be down to excess or lack of dopamine in certain areas of the brain. In Boca's area and the prefrontal cortex respectively.

About three months back she had a partner, Reiner; the man of her dreams. He was the person who gave her unconditional positive regard. Krista claimed him to be the best treatment she had ever received but she forgot that all things are conditional. Reiner lost interest, cheated out of the blue. He was awfully cosy with a mutual friend, Annie. Another short blonde. Krista couldn't help but damn her, taking the one thing that kept her sane. It was like ripping the carpet from underneath her feet. She found herself on the cold hard ground and with a sore arse.

Krista didn't know why she was still attached so strongly to the taller blonde. It was obvious from a psychological stand point. That was the only solid attachment she had ever formed with anyone apart from her sister.

The train sounded its horn, screaming for Krista to get out of its path but she was unresponsive.

With the blink of an eye Krista was on the platform as the train ploughed through the station. Another one of those memories. The last time she attempted to end her life. Even she can't remember what actually happened, maybe she walked from the track and called a taxi, drank herself to sleep. That sounded plausible. But she knew that there was no message from her ex-partner, no sign of attempted redemption. There was no doubt in her mind that if a message popped up in her notifications stream asking for second chance then Krista wouldn't be single for a second more than needed to type a response back.

The next train arriving was the train she needed to get to work. She had a big opportunity to find a more fitting work placement but a shop assistant manager was something that fell into her lap. The entire time she was funding her way through university she worked at the same place, after her graduation they offered her a promotion. It was a comfortable wage for her life style. Krista didn't own a car or a fancy flat. It was a small apartment, adamant in relying on public transport much to her old friends' dismay. The more she thought about it, that was one of the things that didn't bother her OCD. The timing of public transport was despicable but she was more of the work perfectionist rather than the stereotypical clean 'freak'.

Krista worked in a small room, handling the administrative side of the business. She couldn't handle the stress of people. People were unpredictable even though she knew all the questions they asked to themselves. Philosophy allows her some insight into people's minds, just enough to dampen her tastes but not enough to submerge her in her own mental issues.

Hiring, firing, wages, stock managing. Net profit forecasting. She was a jack of all trades; some claim a master of none but that wasn't the case. She was a master in everything she did, her mind would attempt to destroy her if she wasn't.

There was a new employ starting today. Krista was told to take her under her wing, show her the ropes. She was to be Krista's own assistant, someone to handle the people side that was supposed to be done by Krista but we all know how that would pan out. The blonde was grateful for the owner of the business, they understood her limitations and accommodated for her. She guessed that's why she held her heart in the shop rather than move on and into something that she may enjoy more. The world was a hostile place, with her own brain twisting it to make it worse was like poking a dragon with a tooth pick.

Nothing good could come from it.

"Erm… Hi? I'm Ymir, in the new guy. I've been told to come see a Miss Lenz, imma guess that's you?" A taller woman swung in through the door. She kept her hand on the door frame, making sure to be able to make a swift exist without looking too foolish. Krista's eyes dragged themselves over her form. She was the lanky type, brown hair tied back. The honey coloured eyes that flourished in the light of a night club. Her choice of clothing was also odd. Most employees were dressed in a red T shirt and grey trousers but Ymir was in a suit. An ID badge hanging around her neck. She looked more like the manager than a subordinate and made Krista feel uncomfortable with her smart-casual approach to her work attire.

Krista was already sat upright, so she pursed her lips and made sure to assume dominance. It was something she read in a magazine. She was that type of person. She had little friends and no 'real' parents who cared to give her advice so she was heavily reliant on the media. She knew it wasn't good but it was the only thing she had. Reiner was a good influence on changing that but a man tends to give 'man' advice. The power plays for the male work environment. At first glance Ymir appeared male, she was the androgynous type of woman that made society fear her. It was something Krista had studied, how that society demonises people that don't fit into a category. A woman with very masculine qualities, do you treat them like a man or a woman? They'll catch you off guard with every instruction that falls from their mouth. Apart from the unknown approach to take with this woman, the homophobic voice of her father reigned free within her mind, the power to hate the woman for looking like a butch dyke. Krista couldn't stand her father's influence.

She crossed her legs, closing her body space a little, backing down from her imagined power play. "Yes, that's me. So, you're my new assistant, it'll be nice to have some company for a change." Timid words hovered in the air, Ymir could only pick up on the conformation of that being the person she was going to work with.

She moved further into the room after detaching from the door frame, extending a hand for the blonde to shake but she was too socially awkward to reciprocate. With Ymir staring blankly at the seated woman she chipped in. "not the hand shaking type of person eh? That's cool… Miss Lenz sure seems a little bit… formal? Can we keep it to first names?"

"Miss Lenz is preferred, I'm more used to that, it's more comfortable to keep things formal at work."

"Sure? Well, I prefer plain and simple Ymir. Good talk! What stuff do you need me to take a look at?"


	2. Chapter 2 - Sharp Edges

It appears that Ymir was amazing at dealing with customers if you ignored the sly comments she made behind their backs. It was something the blonde admired. Being cooped up away from everyone meant that Krista had very little friends, even at university she found herself feeling more connected to the librarian she saw everyday rather than her classmates.

3 months passed by without a hitch. Ymir turned up on time, took the odd smoke break, did her work to the best of her ability and left. She kept up appearances but Krista could see through the aura she kept about her. Nice Ymir was really a gimmick, Ymir was the aggressive kid in the playground, too much testosterone for her own good. It was something oddly attractive to the smaller girl, to be able to read into someone, to know them before they open up on their own. It was like a secret relationship, it was a gift bestowed upon the blonde; countless counsellors with the same questions and routines, she quickly learnt how her actions indicate certain things and simply applied them to her 'friends' and colleagues.

It was the summer months when Krista decided she was comfortable enough to talk to the brunette. It wasn't really her choice, Ymir caught her in one of her moments. New stock had just been unloaded, Krista was in charge of inventory so she was awake for the majority of the night opening and unpacking all the items and putting them into neat piles for the following days workers to put on the shelves before the shop opened. Ymir wasn't supposed to be on the night shift as there were no customers when the shop is shut but she was known for lurking after hours to give a helping hand, earn a little bit extra for overtime.

Krista was in her office, doing as she was instructed when she caught herself with her box cutter over her wrist. She couldn't even remember why she felt the urge to self-harm, she very rarely did it these days. Her upper arms and hips were mainly scar tissue but the blade was millimetres away from the underside of her forearm. A new and untouched location, the red could have looked amazing in perfect contrast to the pale skin. That's when Ymir rolled up. It wasn't something that was seductive or planned. She wheeled her way in whilst sat on a wheelie office chair, and at a considerable speed as if she were a young child racing her imaginary best friend.

Both of them were equally as startled as their eyes wandered over each other's forms before resting on something. There was no question as to what Ymir was staring at but Krista had her eyes locked onto Ymir's cheeks. They were tinted with a little red from the exercise but they also had small creases falling on them from the concerned look her eyebrows contorted themselves in.

Ymir's brain was yet to catch up to the sight her eyes were seeing as she still looked pleased at herself for successfully entering the room without crashing into the door frame or the desk. When her concern fully descended onto her face Krista quickly pulled the knife away and rolled down her sleeve. She could only allow a sheepish smile to draw itself on her face before Ymir made a comment. "Well, I'm sorry I interrupted but I'm not really sorry. You wanna talk about it? I know you've not known me a long time but sometimes it requires people like that y'know. Someone who you don't have to think about maintaining lies to or keeping up appearances with." Krista didn't realise how low the taller woman's voice was, she had only heard a higher pitch when talking to customers, in fact she realised that Ymir never actually talked to her properly without someone else being in the room apart from the first couple of sentences and even then, she was half in the hallway and anyone could have been listening.

"Erm… I don't really want to talk about it. I don't really want to talk at all. I had a temporary lapse in judgement and I would appreciate it if you would keep this incident to yourself." Krista's authority voice was out to play but Ymir wasn't buying it.

"Temporary lapses in judgement don't result with a box cutter nearly polishing your tendons. And that response sounded so rehearsed I almost thought it was the start of a really shitty film. Now come and sit on mama's lap and tell her about your day." Ymir couldn't contain her giggle as she joked with Krista, finding her own inappropriate humour funny. Krista on the other hand wasn't amused.

"You know being so cavalier with your attitude around someone who is emotionally fragile is probably not a good thing. I'd be better off being on my own for a bit."

"Actually it's a good thing to do. Removes the awkwardness of the situation, relaxes you a little bit and makes you feel more comfortable talking to me about anything. The joke was obviously inappropriate so you take that self-hatred and manifest it in the way of being irritated at me. Taking that urge away from you, or distracting you at least." Ymir seemed so cocky in her attitude but Krista could feel the genuine concern somewhere beneath her annoying grin that stood proudly when she saw Krista let out an irritated sigh as well as an attempt to conceal a smile.

Ymir allowed her hands to beat a drum solo on the desk to gain the blonde's attention before she'd have to talk again and feel the need to justify herself. "You fancy a race?" Her eyebrows wiggled to the beat like she was composing some music to a low budget student band video.

"You know Ymir, you're a very odd person."

"That doesn't sound like a no to me…" the drumming was over and Ymir was already kicking herself to the door like a dog whipping its arse on the carpet and Krista was quick on her heels.

Fits of giggles erupted as Krista reached home before Ymir. Of course, it was nothing to do with obvious cheating like pushing Ymir off her chair… "You're such a little cheat! I totally had you around that last corner!"

"Not my fault you got your long lanky legs caught up in your stride."

"lanky? I'd have you know I'm highly muscled, I'm just slim, not lanky!" the goofy looks exchanged between them said it all. Krista's mind was totally distracted from the previous situation and she was thoroughly engrossed in the encounter with Ymir.

"You know what time it is?" Ymir managed to still her laughter for a minute.

"Time you got a watch!" Krista was hysterical at the childish comment but she had this laugh, it was the laugh that brightens the room up and makes being want to join in, to be a part of whatever was happening. Ymir's eyes filled up with the joy whilst it lasted but she knew she would have to talk to the girl about why she had a sharp object pointed towards her person.

"How about I put more weight to the question. Is the Chinese open? I'm kinda hungry, I'll pay."

Krista didn't even respond, she just rummaged around her draw and pulled out the menu to the local take away. Some things were already highlighted, Ymir assumed they were her usual things to get. Making a mental note she decided what she wanted and called up the place, ordering tons of food and a small alcoholic beverage for both of them to share.

Once the food had arrived they set out a little table for themselves on the office floor, finding the odd cushion from the furniture department and a blanket to keep them warm. It was like a cosy couples evening in. The questions flew around the room, their replies following quickly after. Ymir mainly led, even though they had been working closely together the words exchanged never fell towards the personal side of their lives, they were only instructions or agreements to coffee or tea. Two sugars and milky of course. When Ymir was positively stuffed, Ymir eagerly went for the wine, popping the cork causing Krista to jump. That was the start of the dark conversation. It was already obvious to Ymir that the blonde knew what was going to happen, she was already altering her behaviour to being more presentable, making sure no food fell from her chopsticks or stained her mouth, patting her lips after every second mouthful. She even made sure her hand covered her mouth every time she answered a question that Ymir had already figured the answer out to.

"So what demons possess you from time to time?" Ymir didn't beat around the bush with her intent. She wanted answers without the hustle of dealing with feelings. It never helped the situation. Both of them would only attempt to divert the conversation, cover things up, and bury the truth.

"Ymir, it really isn't something I feel comfortable talking about. I'm sorry if that was what this was all about but I can't."

"It wasn't the main objective of this. I can't stand the sight of a pretty little thing being so vulnerable. I know how to help you, just gotta have bit of faith in me." The brunette wasn't backing down but Krista wasn't going to step up.

"You're basically asking me to treat you like going to confession. Forgive me father for I have sinned." Krista allowed her sarcasm to slip, feeling the threat within her. She knew that she would have to talk to the taller woman sooner or later, she didn't seem like the type of person to forget the unanswered questions.

"You know the more you get snarky with me the more I'll find you attractive."

"Were you some sort of overly sexual counsellor or something?"

"I was actually… minus the overly sexual part. I was highly professional, so I know my shit before you think I'm bullshitting you." Ymir took a swig from the wine bottle, tasting its quality before wrinkling her nose at the obviously cheap taste.

"Psycho-analyse me then doctor."

"Not a doctor but sure… you clearly are showing signs of a personality disorder and anxiety. You're obviously a professional at self-harm, there was a precision in the act that almost seemed religious. So, you have some control about it, in the sense that your brain isn't on overload otherwise you wouldn't deliberate on the act you'd just hack and slash away at yourself. Small cosy office job even though word has it you're qualified for other things. People say you've been here a while so you can manage commitment but your too scared to change job. Rejection, failure. You're comfortable with what you know. Administrative work is pretty simple to you, low stimulation does you worlds of good given your odd PTSD triggers. Yeah… sorry about that I saw you before we met at the train station. I live in the same village you do, got the train the first time before I got my new motorbike."

"Pretty much right there but I'm not going to allow you to be my counsellor, I've had too many of them, all of them were useless. Can we get back to you calling me attractive; I can somewhat deal with that."

"So you're single. You find it awkward but you'll deal with being hit on for a short period of time then have the lingering feeling of me perving at your boobs when you're not looking. Your issues must be real bad, to allow yourself to get into a situation you know you'd hate. So, you attached well as a child I'm guessing, Shafer put together a theory consisting of 4 stages of attachment when you were a baby. Asocial, indiscriminate, discriminant then multiple. You don't seem too bad in that area however there was a trauma still in childhood but after you were 3."

"If you insist on attempting to make me correct you or agree on any of these points then give me a sip of the wine. I do enjoy some entertainment." The blonde relaxed her body language, forcing her brain to be confident if her body showed it.

"Again, uncharacteristic hostility. You're feeling threatened. Probing too deep? Tell me to stop and I will my dear. This is all in good fun, nothing malicious going on here, no judgements made."

"How about this. I'll answer one of your questions if you answer one of mine first then we go back to random conversation about politics or society?"

Ymir paused to take in Krista's answer, allowing her inner psychologist to calm down. Krista enjoyed moments like these. Where the other person was thinking but Krista could see them figure out a response. Gave her some of the power back she lost from the barrage of correct analogies Ymir made about her.

"How come you're no longer a therapist?" A nervous chuckle emerged from Ymir whilst she scratched her head. "It's not a pleasant story. I did all sorts really. I've assessed people with mild depression to the suicidal. I was good at my job, can't say I enjoyed it. Other people's lives are so interesting as well as disturbing. It's one thing hearing stories of rape and murder and neglect being read out by a news anchor but by someone who's lived those lives? Well, it's definitely a unique experience. I had this one young little thing, she was about 15? Somewhere around that age. She was a bright one. Knew all my tricks and mind games. So, I had to go 'deep psychologist', that was the term she called it. There are therapists for therapists cause if you know the process too well then it doesn't really work. Despite her outward happy successful appearance, she was beyond broken. Her father was an alcoholic, mum died when she was young. Left beforehand but then died of a drug overdose. Her father abandoned her and she ended up in care. The whole system of not having someone broke her spirit. Maternal deprivation and lack of unconditional love destroyed herself esteem. She couldn't "self-actualise" which basically means she couldn't reach her full potential because she didn't meet her esteem needs, the prestige and feeling of accomplishment. I'm babbling, aren't I? It's part of a psychological approach, the humanistic approach and a guy called Maslow said there are five needs a person must meet, the hierarchy of needs. Anyway, I'll probably talk about it at some other point." Ymir paused, allowing the silence to act as her back peddling on the psychological jargon. She slapped her thighs when she built up the courage to finish the story.

"One day we were talking about how she wanted to meet her father. Learn a bit more about her mother. I told her I'd help her find him only if she promised me that she wouldn't go find him on her own, make sure that there was someone with her to keep her safe. With promises made I found him a month or so later, told her about where he lived… That week's news had her face plastered on it as a young teen brutally murdered. I couldn't deal with that guilt of giving the girl the information that ultimately lead to her death. So, I quit. And here I am after therapy of my own, working a job meant for someone half my age." Krista sat there stunned at the story. Relating every aspect to her own life, cross examining all the facts and figures she was given. Krista wanted to divert the mood away from depressing to something more productive so desperately she allowed a small dribble to fall from her lips before her question erupted. "Half your age? How old are you? You can't be that much older than me, so late twenties."

Ymir allowed the silence to accumulate before she spoke again. "Will you go on another date with me?" Ymir broke the silence unapologetically. Krista gaped for a split second, still anticipating a response to her question rather than being asked out.

"Sorry Hun, but you said answer one question, so I did and that's mine. If you want more answers I recommend you let me take you out to a restaurant and then I'll make sure to answer some questions, so long as you answer mine."


End file.
